You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
