Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
