My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
