Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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