My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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