she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
