but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
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