drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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