You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Randomize
