Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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