That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
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