the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
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