I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
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