My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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