I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize
