So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
In America we eat man semen.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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