Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Randomize
