she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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