I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
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