so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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