i don't plan on having that self control this summer
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
