i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
