youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Randomize
