Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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