just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
