Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
