how hairy? two words: wookie tits
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
