I am spending my child support on dildos
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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