the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
