I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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