If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
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