My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Randomize
