Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
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