So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
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I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
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Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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