i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Randomize
