Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
