why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
