I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Randomize
