seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
Randomize
