Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
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