i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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