she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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