I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
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