i don't plan on having that self control this summer
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Randomize
