Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Randomize
