My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Randomize
