o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
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