So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Randomize
