meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
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