I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Randomize
