I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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