Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
