hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
My penis needs a shock collar
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Randomize
