One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
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